Tuesday, January 5, 2016

There's a Wait Scale

Hi. If you've found yourself - here - reading this, Welcome!  I never wanted to write a blog, I just came to the realization that, maybe I should. I was reflecting on my life and how it was thoroughly wrapped in twists, turns, curveballs, bumps, dips (what have you). The thought hit me while I was sitting and staring at a row of uncomfortable chairs across from me, an empty magazine stand, a coffee-stained end table beside it, and the body language of the company around me said a sad story. Yep - you guessed it, I was in a waiting room and struck by deja vu. Have you experienced this? It's like waiting room muscle memoryI'm used to waiting in general, are you?  My body sort of assumes the position, so to speak. Do you feel like this? Have you ever had a moment where you sort of woke up and realized you had changed? That somewhere along the road you've adapted to living in different circumstances? It's weird, right? If you aren't nodding in agreement with me, you will get something very different out of this blog. Maybe you do know what I'm talking about, and you or your child has medical or special needs and waiting rooms are part of your normal life routine... Perhaps you are in a metaphoric waiting room & have spent time on stand by for an important phone call, or spent the longest two minutes ever staring at a pee-stick. Perhaps you've endured the wonderful two-week-wait. The list goes on: waiting for test results, call from a doctor, your pain to heal, an attorney consultation, the social worker's approval, to be chosen, to take your baby home, to adopt... You get the idea. Life-changing moments, that not everyone is going to experience in this lifetime. 
I'm referring to times that you are, quite literally, exercising patience. I don't think it's something you have, I think it's something you pursue. (Like happiness.)
You've probably heard, "Just stop thinking about it, and it will happen." Or "You just gotta keep busy." Matter of fact, I know you've heard this disguised as other phrases:
"Just relax, stress makes it worse.."
"If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.."
"Be Strong, Stay Positive.."
"Did I tell you about my friend so-and-so who (insert story here).."

People mean well. I must say that it also depends on your relativity of closeness with the person saying these things to you, right? Sometimes these words can ware down patience rather than be encouraging. Truth is- you don't need to hear anything deep or quotes from the Dalai Lama..  just merely knowing you are loved and that people are there for you. That's it, pretty simple. 

I have a scale I like to use while I'm in a wait. Maybe you have something similar?  Ok, if I'm able to distract myself with an entire episode of Housewives, I know it's not that bad. If I look down and it appears I've finished the whole bottle of Pinot (even though I'll accuse my husband of doing so), it's pretty bad. If I wake up in the middle of the night crying, literally having just cried real tears in my dreams- wet pillow and all- then I know I'm at rock bottom. Of course other emotions - grieving, in my case - come into play. At that point you can only describe yourself as 'hopelessly hopeful'.

Let me give you a brief background on me: 
At 28 my Father was in a tragic motorcycle accident. He was in a coma for 27 taxing days, and passed away on the 28th day. 2 months later, we received the news that I had  "diminished ovarian reserve" (which landed at the 17 month mark of us trying), it was a tough pill to swallow, learning that I could not conceive naturally. 2 months later my husband and I officially became "paper pregnant" & we were ready to adopt. 2 months after that, we were picked by an Expecting Couple to parent their unborn child. 2.5 weeks later, our daughter was born prematurely and suffered brain injuries as a result. One trying year later, she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. One very colorful year after that, My mother-in-law began her 3rd Battle against Cancer. Breast, Uterine, now Brain. She did not win the last war. She passed away, 3 days ago. 

We're heartbroken & exhausted. 

I was in the waiting room with my husband's family when I realized much of my married-adult-life has been spent in cold, unwelcoming rooms. (Real & Metaphoric).  We get through things in life, and while I do have faith in Christ, I know I've developed a skill-set in dealing with tragedies. Laughing amongst the pain is one of them. Endurance while exercising patience is another... 
 
 Our daughter will undergo multiple procedures in the near future, and my husband and I will likely adopt again one day.. Whatever it is you are going through, I'll be here and I'll wait with you.


(I had to share this cheesey photo of myself... Just sitting here waiting lol).

16 comments:

  1. I'm overwhelmed with emotions, such a great post! Thank you for sharing. Sending love to your family!

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  2. Yes! So happy you are doing this. Love you friend!

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  3. Amazing writer and human! Thank you for sharing!

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  4. Christina, you're a fantastic writer! Thank you for sharing. I'm looking forward to more posts. Hugs!

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  5. Love the revision. :) Just add this as another one of your many talents! Love you! BritB

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  6. I think you are such an amazing, strong & beautiful women Christina! Not to mention a very talantes writer. I'm looking forward to reading more posts!

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  7. LOVE your blog, and your Instagram. My sister owns A Dash of Sass and told me to follow you after my daughter was also born prematurely and suffered brain damaged to 1/5 of her brain, they are guessing she has CP to some extent but can't tell just yet. Thank you for sharing yours and fins stories!

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  9. This is one freakin amazing post! Loved every word!

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  10. This ❤❤❤ you are amazing

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